Monica Who? The Life and Times of Mark Lewinsky

I t’s the late 90’s and life is good for many a bourgeois Americans. The future events of 911 haven’t eviscerated the heart of the American milieu nor have the future victims of the Great Recession realized an iceberg was set to destroy that dolce vita retirement or college fund. Let’s not forget the grand master of the under world of Wall Street Mr. Bernie Madoff himself. The term “millennials” sounded more like a prototype for a new stereo than what we now know it as today. People for the most part still had hope. What they hoped for was simplicity. Do well in school and you’ll do well in life. Work and play hard and life will take care of you.

Just look at Mr. and Mrs. Clinton. Now imagine President Clinton’s first name was Hillary and her husband’s name was Bill. Bill was Hillary’s mirror image and just as ambitious as his wife. They were a team and Hillary’s presidency was the prize for years of bare boxing political maneuvering. Hillary has just been reelected for her second term in office quieting any doubts about her gender being the only reason she was initially elected back in 1992. These two figureheads exemplified the American dream at its pinnacle. Work hard and not even the sky is subject to the laws of gravity. But gravity never goes on vacation. Gravity’s a bitch like that.

Turns out President Hillary as she was known had been playing hide and seek with one of her interns. Who was hiding and who was seeking became the evening dinner blue plate special and the media exploded with rumors of President Clinton’s after hours round table meetings. Round tables really don’t do you justice when you’re trying to fuck a 22-year-old pre-law intern as Hillary would later muse with the girls. And just who was this lucky cad we all asked?

Mark Lewinsky was born into a affluent Jewish family in California. Beverly Hills zip code and all Mark was the typical nice Jewish boy. He wasn’t devastating handsome and certainly not a jock in waiting. Simply put he was quite ordinary. Not fat but not skinning. A few pounds lighter probably wouldn’t have gone amiss. At 22 Mark had recently graduated and through family connections landed an internship in the White House. The rest as they say is history.

Mark became a legend. The newspapers couldn’t get enough of this shy but sweet boy who bagged the president. He was on every talk show he could make time for in between trips to the Playboy mansion that threw a party in his name and ad hoc meetings with his new Hollywood agent. Men’s Health Magazine declared him “Man Of The Year”. Fan mail from women declaring their dreams of marriage and men seeking pick-up lines and advice were just some of the fringe benefits of being known as the Jew that screwed Hillary. He was quite the cunning linguist both in the White House and on TV. Today Mark is a successful CEO of a hedge fund that he financed through the profits of being branded stub-in-chief. After years of endless flings and one night strands Hillary’s studmeister has finally found the one. She must be one lucky woman.

Speaking of lucky women or in this case unlucky Hillary didn’t fare as well as Mark. Shit storm doesn’t do justice to Dante’s hell Hillary still lives in. Within a month she was impeached. Word was a special prosecutor by the name of Kenneth Star was being brought in to look into allegations of misconduct. Matters didn’t need much pushing and Mr. Star missed out on his ode to superfluous inertia once Hillary was officially tarred and feathered. Bill the devoted suffering husband had no choice but to leave his wife of over 20 years. Sometimes a mans got to do what a mans got to do.

Hillary Clinton is rarely seen in public as she is usually called a whore or the such when ever she steps out of hiding. Most wonder if the bitch is still alive but prefer to facetiously posit the question instead. Her life as the fallen woman or better known as the post-stud days is retold countless times at cocktail parties in Washington to this day. No drama Obama only dines with Bill and advises him on his purported run for the presidency come 2016. If only Clinton supporters could learn a good walk of shame.